Broadsided Blogs – “Dear Diary: Today I Washed A Lizard”

…No, that’s not a ‘euphemism’.
I do more before you wake up than most people do all day!
Okay, granted, it’s not particularly useful stuff, but hey, it’s done!

I got up at 3 am and walked into the wall on my way to the bathroom, where I had a nice conversation with the cat.
By 5am I was making eggs for my husband, who also rises early, is useless by 8pm and also has discussions with the cat, though not necessarily in the bathroom.

While I was cooking, the cat was pawing fiercely at something by the back door jamb. I really had no time to investigate whether it was a dust bunny or a tarantula. Preferring to err on the side of caution, I sprayed whatever it was wriggling about, with Formula 409.
Oh my GOD, it was Clarice! {did she say ‘Clarice?’ Who the hell is Clarice? What the hell is Clarice? Oh great! Now I’m not just talking to myself and the cat, I’m injecting thoughts into my diary! I wonder if that’s a sign of a mental imbalance? Is there insanity in our family? There was that spinster aunt who used to wear a plastic flower pot as a hat, but I think maybe that was a fashion statement..Oh my god, now I’m wandering again…where was I?} Well, Clarice is one of the tiny, and MANY, blue streaked lizards who happily coexist with us…Usually outside, and only ‘happily’ until they are covered in ‘409.’
I had to finish up making the eggs. Fortunately my husband likes them over easy, so it didn’t take long.
It seems like a long time though when you are guilt ridden over attacking an innocent lizard and time is of the essence!…I think…The Formula 409 bottle only instructs you what to do in case of splashing it in your eyes; There’s not a damn thing on there about dousing lizards!
Useless label!
I would imagine this happens often enough to warrant at least a footnote on the bottle. I mean, after all, for all intents and purposes, we are a ‘normal family unit.’ People must spill things on their reptiles all the time, right?
So, I used what ought to be common sense. At the very least, common knowledge…The first thing I need to do is get the poor little thing off the floor safely.
Under the best of circumstances, lizards are notoriously difficult to pick up. I guess they don’t care much for that sort of thing. Tiny lizards are are even harder to pick up…tiny slippery cleaner covered ones are the toughest of all! Just ask anyone.
Of course I went with the spatula. And of course I used the plastic one. When this happens to you, you should know that a metal spatula is too sharp and your lizard could lose part of its tail.
I understand they grow them back, but still, I had already inflicted quite enough pain on this poor little thing by now and I doubt they enjoy having to grow back their tails any more than they like being sprayed or scooped or cat mauled! Anyway, it was a judgement call.
I got Clarice outside on the porch…OH…I’m sorry! Are you wondering how I know for a fact that it was indeed ‘Clarice?’ Because there are a LOT of them! We call them all “Clarice.’ That, they don’t seem to mind. At least they’re not all caught up in the arrogance of ‘titles’ and hip monikers, bless their ‘lil souls.
I got a large tumbler of water and poured it over her/him/it (I guess they know, and that’s all that really matters) Well, this seemed to do the trick! Clarice washed about in the water and then took off…FAST! Okay. that seemed marginally ungrateful to me, but it all turned out okay…Unless of course blue streaked lizards do this sort of thing right before they die.
I suppose I will have my answer if and when I see an exceptionally shiny clean lizard at the back door some time soon…perhaps not real soon. This had to be a traumatic experience even though not intentional.

It’s amazing how these little unplanned events occur and set your schedule back for the whole day!
I had the ‘409’ out in the first place intending to clean the floor. I have a new mop. It’s been a ‘new mop’ for quite some time now.
When you have a cat eating all the small bugs and guarding the door sills for lizards, the floor stays remarkably clean! Between that and the dog catching all the crumbs, my broom is in pretty good shape too!
Did you notice there are no instructions regarding how to get the plastic wrapping off mop heads? Must be the same ilk of people who overlook the obvious tutorials on ‘409’ labels.
I scratched and clawed at it; Cut and ripped and got most of the wrapper off the mop.
I swore under my breath a few times which caused the cat to run off into the living room.
Maybe he thought I was on some kind of a sick ‘theme’ where I would just go around, willy nilly, squirting Gods creatures with cleaning products for no apparent reason. Cats over think things too much. He must get that from me. Who else but a writer would sit here scrawling out page after page about the minutia that is their life?
{does she get paid for that? See? There I go again!) Yes, she does! Not well and not often enough, but yes, she gets paid to write ‘roasts’ making fun of people with ‘real’ careers that require talent and degrees and concentration.
I, on the other hand, am ‘Gifted!’ I have nothing in a black trimmed frame to prove it, but I do have it ensconced in my ‘Frame of Mind.’
It’s 8am now. The floor is not mopped yet, the cat is asleep and I am not far behind.
This was not an exercise in futility though. It was a ‘Life Lesson.’
If you are able to ‘talk a blue streak’ and get someone else to listen to the boring details of your life and even, dare I say, “quote” you, you will either be Dave Barry, or at the very least, no one will notice that you do ‘nothing’ for a living…
Maybe I ought to go mop that floor!


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